Empty Arms, Expectant Heart

I thought I'd know you by now, thought I'd touch your face.
I can almost smell your breath as you rest in my embrace.

Your grip around my finger, the softness of your love.
If there were any way I'd come hold  you up above.

The embrace though not my own, provides rest in One far greater.
Your absence enables His way to make itself in me sure.

While my empty arms cradle a greater hope unseen
My expectant heart awaits to join you in His glory.

Just dreaming and hoping

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.” John 14:1-7

Tonight I've been dreaming and thinking about Ashlynn and Home.

I remember when I was a young child I would wait eagerly for my mom to come get me after work.  At my grandma's house, I'd stand on my tip toes on her couch watching out the window when time drew near for her arrival.  Grandma would always say, "A watched pot never boils!"  I would then try to distract myself playing with toys.  The distraction never lasted long and I always found myself back at the window watching and waiting.

I know that God's glory and love consumes my baby, Ashlynn, but I can't help but wonder, "When it's time will she be peeking out of the window of the mansion of glory looking for me to come Home?  When she sees me in the distance, will she come running as fast as she can behind Jesus to greet me at Heaven's Gate? Maybe she's painting me a picture as she waits."

Thank you, Jesus, for going before us and for preparing us a room in your house.  Thank you for making a way for us to get Home by giving your life for us.  I long for the day to see you face to face and be Home at last.  Help me to be faithful here as I wait for you to come and bring me Home. 

Dear Ashlynn

Dear Ashlynn,

I carried you for such a short time.  I wanted you for so much longer before that.  My love for you is so great.   When I found out that I was pregnant, my heart was overjoyed.  I couldn't help but tell everyone that you were coming and that Andrew was a big brother.  I actually talked about it to him most.  I wanted him to be ready and to be excited for your arrival.  I would tell him that he was the big brother now and that Mommy's heart was so big that it would be full of love for you and him both, and in fact it is.  I would tell him that there was a baby in Mommy's tummy and he would give you a kiss.  He would pat on my belly and say, "Baby."  I miss that.

During your time here I would read every week to see how big you were getting and how you were developing each day. Then Daddy and I would talk in amazement at how God was developing you within me.  I would rub my tummy as I dreamed of you. Your life within me was a gift and testimony of God's grace.  I also craved Mexican food, so your Daddy, Andrew, and I had it quite frequently. 

Though I don't know why, I know that you are Home with our Abba.  I am glad for you that you will never shed a tear or know the pain that we experience here.  However, I miss you and wish that I could walk through life with you.  I can't wait to see you and I know that from your perspective that is very soon.  With God a day is like a thousand years. 

Your Daddy and me chose to name you Ashlynn Haven, because Ashlynn means "dream" or "vision" and Haven means "safe place" or "sanctuary".  I will often think about what life would be like if you were here with us.  Even more I will dream of the time when I will be Home with you for eternity with our Abba Father.

I love you,

Mommy

My Ultrasound experience

I have one image of Baby Ashlynn Haven. The doctor couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler. "Sometimes, they are stubborn."  He sent the nurse to get the ultrasound machine.  At first I was excited, not only was I going to hear the heartbeat, I was going to SEE my baby.  How lucky.  He had trouble finding it and kept the screen turned from me.  I wanted so bad to get up and look at the screen.  He said, that it looked like I wasn't as far along as anticipated, and left to see if the bigger ultrasound machine was available.  I waited and anticipated seeing my baby for the first time, sorry that Adam was not there to share in the experience.

I went in to the room with the ultrasound tech.  At first she explained every detail of what she was doing.  There was my baby.  Little head, little feet, little hands, still and what looked to be sleeping. She measured it several times from rump to crown, she checked the size of my uterus, the size of my ovaries.  By now she didn't say much.  "There must be something wrong," I thought, "can we just see the baby again?"  She measured one last time.  Then she sent me back to the room to see the doctor.  "All of these images have been sent to Dr. H.  He will be able to go over all of this with you."  Okay, I left.

"WHAT?  all of this?  This doesn't sound good.  This can't be right.  This is ALL WRONG!"  I waited and waited and waited.  "Surely there is some explanation, something that will make it okay.  Surely IT WILL BE OKAY."

But it wasn't.  The doctor gave me the news as lightly as he could.  I was alone and couldn't believe what he was saying.  I couldn't take that news.  No heartbeat.  I never got to hear the heartbeat.  I did get to see my baby early, but it was the only time this side of Home.

At first I thought it was cruel that I had to see a baby I will not get to hold.  But now I am thankful. I'm thankful to have had even a small glimpse to remember of our baby.

Meaning described

The previous post is a painting I did tonight expressing a lot of emotion from the loss of our baby.  To the best of my ability, I'll explain what it means.  You may want to take a look at it before reading on. There will be some things that I just can't explain and may not have even discovered yet that are expressed in the painting/drawing.  After all, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Title: Jan. 25, 2010.  I'll never forget this date.  It is the day that I thought I would hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time, but instead discovered that it had no heartbeat.  As much as I will remember my living son's birthday, I'll remember this day as the day I lost my baby.

Orange/red violent looking sky.  Many times I have gazed into the sky for peace and freedom from all that is going on in my life.  The vastness of the sky usually brings great awe and wonder of the mercy and grace of God and of His creative handiwork.  However, when I looked to the sky recently, I was flooded with turmoil and questions.  Instead of peace and freedom, there was anger and lonliness and tension.

Middle ground/ Ocean scape.  Represents the tears that I've cried.  in the picture it is up to my neck, signifying being close to drowning in my tears.

Figure.  Hands over womb.  The bonding I have had with my baby has been mostly of hopes and dreams for the future.  But I also would love to hold my belly and think about how big the baby was. I would read week by week the development and what was new with my baby.  A strong bond was being formed.

Little Heart-  my baby. It is black to represent that there is no life.  My baby has died.

Big Heart.  My heart.  It is half black and half red symbolizing that a part of me has also been lost with the passing of my baby.

Tears, streaming and flooding the ground.  Sadness and pain (a lot)  The puddle on the ground is flowing in little streams to the bigger body of water, signifying that the vast body of water is from the tears that I've cried.

Jan 25 ,2010

Dream of Home

This post may be short. I'm thinking of it as kind of an ice breaker after an unspeakable week. I don't have anything profound or great to say, but just need to say something, so that I can continue to post about how the Lord is at work in my life.

Last Monday we found out that we lost the baby I was carrying and had to have a DNC. We were and continue to be heartbroken. I believe our God is a God of the covenant and that the life he began in my womb, he now holds in his hands. I trust our baby lives in a love that is far greater than mine and I long for the day I will meet him/her.

The night before we found out, I was looking at baby names and a few stuck out to me that had never done so before. One of them was Ashlynn. I didn't really like the meaning at the time so I moved on from it. However now I think it is fitting. We have decided to send our little one home with the name Ashlynn Haven which means "Dream or Vision" and "Safe Place or Sanctuary". He/she causes me to dream of heaven with a deeper longing for God's love in all it's fullness.