remember me

hey there.  remember me... sorry, not much writing here.  I've more been focusing on photography and my studio site.  However, every once in a while I just need to write without reservation and without concern to whether it will affect my "business" or one day business.

I have had a growing passion for photography and have been taking steps to establish a small business out of it.  Problem is... money...

whine whine whine whine....

that's what you'll get from me if i would write more of my heart.  I hate that I am so discontented about this.  It is money after all, material things, things that don't matter, really.

There are so many more important things that would be worthy of my concern.  But here I am with a dream that I have no idea if it will ever come to fruition.  And I am here, discouraged by various obstacles standing in my way.  And I just have to ask under my breath if He wants this dream for me, if He cares the love I have found in this art, the healing I have found, the vision I see through the lens.  And I know He cares for the sparrow so He must care for me and my little dream.  And I struggle to wait on His timing.

Direction...

Ever have one of those weeks?  You know the kind where you just can't get on top of things?  I've been physically ill all week.  I think my body has broken down because of my emotional state.

Last Sunday as we were loading the car to get to church we discovered we had been robbed.  I love a few "things" and the one "thing" that I love most was taken from me.  I had left my camera in the car with all of my favorite equipment. I glanced at it the night before as I was getting out and thought, "I'll leave it in so we won't forget to bring it with us to the park after church."  What's ironic is that I had just returned from Walmart, where I had carried it in with me for fear of it being stolen from my car in the parking lot.

Many things race through my mind as a result of this.  One- guilt... "You don't deserve something you can't take care of."  2.  again--guilt,  "You shouldn't feel so bad, be grateful for what you have." 3.  Extreme anger. 4. Pity and prayer for the thieves to be convicted in their hearts. 5.Sadness and loss as if a part of me was taken... and then back at one...

My home insurance will cover a very small percentage of what was taken.  I have a $1000 deductible... yes you can cry for me if you want. :)  With the few hundred that I anticipate getting back, I will begin to rebuild my collection and I will also look into third party insurance.

The level to which this has impacted me has also solidified my passion for photography.  I am now wondering if I should take photography to a new level, what that would look like, and how it would work out as I continue to raise two young boys alongside my husband.

I'm now looking for things around my house to sell and am restocking my Etsy store with shirts that I have made in order to raise new funds for my camera.

Graces

For many reasons it's been a while since I've posted the gifts God gives. One is lack of time at the computer. So, I'm typing from an app on my iPhone because I'm really feeling a void from the absence of naming blessings. Random order of things I can remember from the last few weeks. (not sure of the numbers so will add later)

Brothers bonding. Really a highlight in out life!
Celebrating birthday with friends and family
Baby nicknames: Thumper and Bruiser
3 year old's first soccer game
Home insurance
Loneliness that only God can fill
LSU football
Missing New Orleans and remembering my time there
A new lens
A new book from a friend
Big boy booster seat
Being emptied so that I can be truly filled
Christmas shopping mostly done
Baby grunting and squealing experiment with sounds.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Mountains within and the faith that moves them

"And He said to them, “Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.["But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.”]"  Matthew 17:20

Until recently I thought that faith was a strength of mine.  Maybe it is in a since, but I think it's been in the wrong place.  I have found recently that I'm not motivated the way I once was.  I think that it's because I have been motivated by the wrong thing.  I've lived more out of obligation and trying to live up to a standard rather than resting in love.  My faith has largely been in myself rather than in Him.

See, it's actually easier that way even though it's impossible to ever meet the standard.  For to rest in love, one has to trust and to believe in love.  I now realize that I have little faith in love.  Therefore, I hardly rest in it and it has not been my motivation for living.

The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and had to write. I just wrote a little because sleep these days is hard to come by.  Here's what I wrote:

 "Jesus said, 'Faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains,' and the largest mountains seem to be in my heart.  I have lost faith in a father's love and find myself running in self preservation from it.  I run in vain as it's impossible to escape the Father's love and there's no place to hide from Him.  There is a still small piece of me that hopes, though most of my being rejects the idea of unfailing love.  This small bit of hope keeps me holding on, waiting for a father's love to come to the rescue. 'Lord, I do believe, help my unbelief.' My unbelief seems so great.  I feel Him stirring within me."

Yes, the largest mountains seem to be in my heart.  But even the smallest faith can send the mountains crumbling into the sea.

In Matthew 17:1  the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't drive out the demon and heal a man.  He replied that they didn't have faith.  They were trying in vain in their own strength to perform the miracle of healing and driving out demons.  So often I try in my own strength to drive out the past that haunts me.  Healing and power come from Him alone and with just a little bit of faith He can heal and restore as he performs miracles in my heart and I learn to rest in His love.

Eyes opening

I have not been motivated to do much of anything lately, including photography.  It's also been hot, so I haven't taken my boys to the park in a while.

Well, today I knew we needed to get out of the house so I grabbed my camera and my boys and headed to the park.

Now after looking at the shots and doing a little post-processing, I feel I am coming to life again as joy of the moments of this day take over and lift my spirit.

I should never stop taking pictures.  I feel more alive when I can see through the lens.

Here are a few shots.