"And He said to them, “Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.["But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.”]" Matthew 17:20
Until recently I thought that faith was a strength of mine. Maybe it is in a since, but I think it's been in the wrong place. I have found recently that I'm not motivated the way I once was. I think that it's because I have been motivated by the wrong thing. I've lived more out of obligation and trying to live up to a standard rather than resting in love. My faith has largely been in myself rather than in Him.
See, it's actually easier that way even though it's impossible to ever meet the standard. For to rest in love, one has to trust and to believe in love. I now realize that I have little faith in love. Therefore, I hardly rest in it and it has not been my motivation for living.
The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and had to write. I just wrote a little because sleep these days is hard to come by. Here's what I wrote:
"Jesus said, 'Faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains,' and the largest mountains seem to be in my heart. I have lost faith in a father's love and find myself running in self preservation from it. I run in vain as it's impossible to escape the Father's love and there's no place to hide from Him. There is a still small piece of me that hopes, though most of my being rejects the idea of unfailing love. This small bit of hope keeps me holding on, waiting for a father's love to come to the rescue. 'Lord, I do believe, help my unbelief.' My unbelief seems so great. I feel Him stirring within me."
Yes, the largest mountains seem to be in my heart. But even the smallest faith can send the mountains crumbling into the sea.
In Matthew 17:1 the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't drive out the demon and heal a man. He replied that they didn't have faith. They were trying in vain in their own strength to perform the miracle of healing and driving out demons. So often I try in my own strength to drive out the past that haunts me. Healing and power come from Him alone and with just a little bit of faith He can heal and restore as he performs miracles in my heart and I learn to rest in His love.
