The way we each experience grief and loss varies, so I in no way think that I can tell others what life should be like for them after losing a baby. I do hope that by sharing my story readers can be encouraged and find hope in their unique experience.
As I write this I am 28 weeks pregnant. We conceived on our first try after losing Ashlynn in the first trimester of pregnancy. While excited about being able to conceive again, grief for me took on a whole new level as I feared losing another baby. After receiving the bad news of losing Ashlynn, I could hardly believe that I would have good news coming my way and lived in fear of the worst. Excitement quickly turned into fear and I lived in it until the first trimester passed. I have heard and read from others that the fear lessens when you make it past the point of your previous loss. That has been mostly true. However, I have read all kinds of stories and know that all kinds of things can happen, so I don't take for granted that a tragedy could not happen again. I do have a hope and a peace now that I didn't have in the first trimester of pregnancy.
I have a son who is two. This pregnancy differs so greatly from my pregnancy with him. I am more aware of the many things that can happen. I am not as blissful and am more cautious and guarded. Emotionally I am in an entirely different place than I was in that pregnancy. Many times people ask how this pregnancy compares with that one. The only answer is that it doesn't in any way. Life and the way I view things have been transformed dramatically. I do bond with this baby in the womb, but it is just different.
When I found out I was pregnant I intentionally turned my focus forward. I knew that Ashlynn had gone home and I would not hold her as I had expected. I also trust that One far greater than me cares for her and loves her. I eagerly anticipate the day I will make it Home and meet her and there is a longing that will not be filled until I do. This baby does not replace her. But I do know that I can't focus backwards. I must continue forward and the Lord has blessed me once again. I want to love this baby with my whole heart and in fact I do. I have been in a strange stage with that as Ashlynn's due date was 2 months ago and Baby Boy's due date is in a little over two months. My heart strains itself in the two opposing directions of not holding the baby I thought I'd have by now and of anticipating the arrival of my new baby boy. For me this causes a strange tension of what should have been and what will be and leaves me tired and empty yet expectant and full.
I have about 12 more weeks to go, so I will update more when that time comes. Our due date is Jan 1, 2011.
There's so much more I could say. I do enjoy hearing from those of you who write to me and am willing to write in more depth as the need arises. Also, if you would like to read of others who have had similar yet different experiences, I have found that Butterfly Mommies is a great resource. There are many blogging mommies there who have varying experiences from first trimester loss to early infant loss.
