Wednesday, March 31, 2010


This post in is response to the Butterfly Mommies question:

"What forms of support helped you the most during your time of loss and even now? How would you recommend other people support grieving mothers? (As we know, many times people who love us often don't know what to say or how to act)"

I had a lot of support that really helped.  During the week following my D&C I received many emails of encouragement and meals were prepared by my small group.  I was literally carried through that week as my mom also came and took care of my toddler.  I'd say that the support that has helped MOST has been the ongoing unexpected cards, emails, messages, and phone calls that I have received and friends to spend time with giving me something to look forward to during the most difficult times.  It has been good to know that people love me and care even and especially in this tough time.

How would I recommend others support grieving mothers?  Be there and reach out.  It's not easy for us to ask for help when we are hurting most because we don't want to burden others.  Remember important dates like the date that she found out and her expected due date and the birth date if the baby was delivered.  In the beginning, call or email weekly on the day of the week that the miscarriage happened or she found out about it and on the one month mark.  Be sensitive and aware.  Mostly be there. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing. If you don't know what to say just say that you are sorry that it happened, and you love her.  None of my friends have made me uncomfortable by saying something strange.  It would take someone really trying to hurt me to make things worse than they have been.  It has been better to have people around than to have them distant, because they fear making things worse.  Really, could things get any worse?

I wanted to add this after reading some of the other mom's experiences.  Sometimes words can hurt unintentionally.  Some of the things that hurt most are making us feel rushed to move on with life, suggesting we just have another, telling us to be grateful for the ones we may already have, and talking about other babies or pregnancies, giving us a quick Bible verse and telling us that God is in control.  Also ignoring talking about our baby can be hurtful.  Though you may have never met our baby, our baby was and is our child and we need to know that others realize this.

Once I lost my baby, I realized that I have probably not been a great friend to others who lost their babies in my past.  I feel bad that I couldn't be there now that I know what it is like.  I also feel grace towards my friends who have never been in my shoes.  God has given me contentment in the areas where I am in this alone.  More than that, He has given me an awareness of His presence.

Thanks to everyone who has been there for me!

See what other mommas say HERE!!!  Scroll down to the links at the bottom of the post.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Answer

"The only Answer is the dangerous, disturbing comforting Presence, which is the true answer to all our questions and hopes."  Michael Card Sacred Sorrow

I feel like I have a lot to say and no energy to say it, so I decided I would at least post a little and chew on the rest, to hopefully get to it later.  Lately I have been doing well, but have been extremely busy getting ready for a show.  To know more about my business you can click on the Facebook badge to the left.

I like this quote and have found it to be true.  True in that I know it is God's Presence that all of my questions are really asking for.  One who knows, understands, never leaves, can carry me and strengthen me. The One who gave His Son, His Life, for me. The only One who can make any sense to the tragedies that affect us all.  Although my questions are almost always for mere solutions and answers, I am almost always given only His Presence instead.  While it can be more than difficult to not be able to have something more tangible here and now, I am also more assured and strengthened having the eternal, unchanging, Love always by my side.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Time away

Did I mention that I love the ocean? Andrew and I are staying with Adam in Daytona Beach. While he works at the National Boat Safety Summit we are enjoying the Hilton resort right on the beach. I'm refreshed! I have no idea how I'm going to be ready for the Delray Affair (my biggest show of the year) in two weeks or who will watch Andrew, but I'm happy to be here for some time away.

From our window this morning.

Andrew and Daddy

Friday, March 26, 2010

Calm ocean

Here are a couple of pics from the beach this evening.

Calm seas, approaching storm.

Ashlynn inscription. Washed away only moments after written.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Ocean

I have been to the beach more times in the past few weeks than I have in the three years I've lived in Florida.  When times get tough, the ocean almost beckons me out of the house.   As the cool sand sifts through my toes and the sunlight radiates warming my skin, the pounding of the waves sings to my soul.  Breathing in the fresh ocean air, I gaze out to the horizon in awe and wonder.  Sometimes I may sing songs to my Lord.  Other times I simply let myself be quiet as God's handiwork reminds my innermost heart of His goodness and refreshes my spirit.

Exhausted and empty, I found myself at the beach today.  Lately I have been fighting sleep and have been restless.  I have been feeling like something is missing.  Something is not quite right.  This is not the way that it is supposed to be.  Within my heart lies an undercurrent of pain and longing that can be so draining on days like today.  I know that I am not alone in this feeling.  

"For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies."  Romans 8:22-23

I would put the whole chapter here, I LOVE Romans 8, but that would make for a really long post.  But thankfully, next Paul talks about hope, the Spirit who helps us in our weakness, and then later about Christ and His love for us, from which we cannot be separated.  Really, you should read it!

Oh Lord, my hope and trust is in you.  Though I cannot see you I am waiting for you and trying to be patient.  Thank you for your Spirit that helps me in my weakness and prays for me when I have no words to pray.  Lord, we need you to come make things right.  I long for you to come and bring me home as your child. Renew my strength as I wait on you.

"Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Vast unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, 
is the current Of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to
Thy glorious rest above!

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth
never, nevermore!
How He watches o'er His loved ones,
died to call them all His own
how for them He intercedeth, watcheth
o'er them from the throne!

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus,

'Tis a heav'n of heav'ns to me
And it lifts me up to glory,
for it lifts me up to Thee!"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Moving forward.

Get over it and move on?  Is there really such a thing?  I have had this thought for a long time as I have tried to deal with tough realities of my past.  The question replays itself in my mind now.

I think all around us we are told to move on, to be "happy".  If something has pained you, brush it off, pick yourself up, and carry on.  Even if it is not said, it can be felt in various ways that we may present ourselves.  I think it's really a cultural thing to act like everything is okay and to show your happy, all-together side whenever you are in public.  But beneath everyone's all-together facade, I know there has to be brokenness, pain, and struggle of all sorts and in varying degrees.  This is something I have thought a lot about over the past year.  How can we really get to know one another if we only show one side of the coin?  And what about the people that are truly dying inside and feel so out of place, because we aren't being vulnerable showing who we really are? I have to question if they feel welcome, or if they feel even more isolated and lonely because we appear to have it all together.  How can we create a safe place and safe relationships for others to come and receive the healing that we experience in Christ?  Is it not by being vulnerable and showing where He has healed and continues to heal us?

Rather than "Get over it and move on," I would like to  "Move forward and get through it," and repeat as necessary.  Sometimes it means minute by minute, hour by hour, I am just going to put one foot in front of another to get through this day.  Some days are just that long, that they have to be taken in small segments.  Others are over in the blink of an eye.  Also, if we truly go through our trials and don't try to escape them by just pushing them aside, God will work mightily to meet us where we are and deepen our trust and dependency on Him.  

The thought of  "moving on" really doesn't appeal to me.  It implies forgetting and leaving something behind.  I don't want to forget my past.  God was there and has used it to make me who I am today. In addition, I don't want to forget the loss of my baby.  I don't want to "move on" from Ashlynn.  I will move forward though.  Forward is progress.  Moving forward is not forgetting, but hoping and trusting.  Trusting that God has been present all along working His good in all of the things he allows to come my way.

Today was an okay Monday.  A little bit of sadness here and there, but not dominant on the entire day.  I did think about Ashlynn a lot.  I miss being pregnant and waiting excitedly for my baby's arrival.  I long to hold my baby.  I am growing stronger, and am thankful, but I am missing a part of me today.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Anchored by Hope

In addition to the last post, I thought I'd mention this site.  It is actually started by the same ladies who started butterfly mommies.  It looks awesome, though I have not done any Bible study through them. 
It is called Anchored by Hope.

Here is a little taste:

"What we did in the midst of our sorrow is what determined whether we would survive this grief.  We reached out to others who had experienced sorrow like ours, who then reached out to God with us, and together we found comfort, and healing in that place.  This is our mission.  This is what we want to do.  We are extending our hand to you.  We will walk with you through this storm, we will pray with you, and for you, and we will seek God together."

Butterfly Mommies

Today I was added to an online network of bloggers at Butterfly Mommies. Check them out by clicking the button on the left.  I think this is an amazing ministry and only wish I had found it earlier.  It is nice to be able to connect with christians who are facing the same struggles as me. 

Here is a direct link:  Butterfly Mommies

Again, I think this is the best resource I have found for those experiencing the loss of a baby, so please pass it on if you know anyone that could benefit.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

First touch

What may seem small and probably insignificant to most was actually a huge step for me today.  For the first time since we lost our baby, I touched a baby.  Go ahead and smile.  It's okay, I'm not embarrassed to say that it was a big deal!

For a while, I feared that if I came to close to a baby my heart would shatter in missing my own.  However, as I touched Maggie's little foot, I was filled with joy as she smiled a big gummy grin at me.  (Big Sigh) Progress.  

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Contolled burn

A part of me hesitates to write this, because you never know what is around the corner.  However, believing that I have come out of the most intense part of the cloud of grief, I wanted to try to explain what it is like.

 Good news, I am the same person that I was before Jan 25.  Better news, I am changed.  I'm more aware. I'm more vulnerable. I'm more dependent on God.

I see the dark part of my heart that Ashlynn left behind as fertile soil, a place ready to be cultivated into a productive garden by the Lord.  I almost see it as a "prescribed or controlled burn".  Prescribed burning is the deliberate use of fire under specified and controlled conditions to achieve a resource management goal in forestry or farming.  It not only controls and rids invasive species, but preserves the wanted plants as well as making the soil more fertile.  In it's immediate wake, the burn leaves an unattractive black ash on the ground and trees.  However, seed in the ground can spring forth strong in the newly fertilized soil.

I think the analogy fits in so many ways. God is in control as the farmer.  He has used and continues to use this tragedy to bring about His glory in me.  He will never let the "fires" in my life get out of control, but will use them to refine me into the image of His Son (Romans 8:28).  He will cultivate in my heart His gifts of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control) and will work to get rid of all of the things that are opposed to them.  If I abide in Him, He will prune my branches to grow as he sees best (John 15).  Right now there is ash and sut over my heart, but my prayer is that what He has begun in me through this loss will be a big crop, fruitful and glorifying to Him.

My main concern now that I have started living in a more regular routine is that I will get caught up in the business of everyday life and will slip back into the same person I used to be.  During tough times, I cling to God tightly.  When things start going well, I loosen my grip and can forget what He has done and who He is.  I don't really forget, but I live like I do.  So I really want to continue the growth that He has began.  I know that God is faithful and will continue to work, but I also know how forgetful I can be.  I'm praying for a more disciplined walk with Him as I trust for Him to continue the work begun in me.

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6,7

"Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You my Master
Ready to do Your will"

Thursday, March 18, 2010

A Spacious Place

I continue to sense that I am turning a corner.  My days are getting a lot better and are not dominated by sadness. 

Psalm 18 really speaks to me in so many ways.  I want to share some of the verses here, but the whole Psalm is awesome.

 "1I love you, O LORD, my strength. 2The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. 3I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies. 4 The cords of death encompassed me; the torrents of destruction assailed me; 5 the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me. 6 In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help.  From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears." verses 1-6

"16He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters.17He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.18They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support.19He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me." verses 16-19

"28For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness.29For by you I can run against a troop; and by my God I can leap over a wall.30This God—his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

 31For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?—32the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless.33He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.34He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.35You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great.36You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip." verse 28-36

"46The LORD lives, and blessed be my rock,and exalted be the God of my salvation—" verse 46

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Absent Stillness

absent stillness.
time lost in restlessness
squelching pain for an instant
faith's voice becomes hoarse.
a whisper.

empty presence.
wheel spins at a hampster's pace
pushing longings far aside
purpose turns into question.
a shadow.

steady hope.
waves pound this anchored ship
waking Captain from his rest
doubt drowns at His glance.
an answer.

altered burden.
grace transforms by His Word
making mysteriously light affliction
steps resolve to follow Him.
a calling.

Walking a tightrope

Yesterday a dear friend took my toddler son so that I could have some "me".  For a long time I have wanted to get my hair chopped so this was the day.  I love the haircut!  

Because the stylist wanted to get it perfect, it took about an hour.  No complaints really, but have you ever starred at yourself in the mirror for an hour?  Have you ever done it after one of the hardest trials in your life began?  I didn't feel sad, after all, it was a "me" day to relax.  However, in the eyes of the face starring back at me I saw an inescapable sadness and brokenness.  And I confess, I just wanted to make her better.

So I stayed in the "me" mindset.  I am not a good middle of the road person.  This can be a fault; so much of the time I operate out of "all or nothing thinking".  In this instance it means I thought I either really hurt or really don't hurt.  No middle ground.  I want definite. But that's not really the way it is.  When I totally shut the pain off, I really shut the deeper part of me off.  At the same time, I am not to wallow in the pain and not live for the joy that God has given me.  I have been blessed abundantly.  Living between the two takes a delicate balance.  I feel like a tightrope walker, if I sway to either side to far I'll fall.  I'm pretty much guaranteed that I will fall on a daily basis.  I thank God for the net, His grace shown to me in Jesus, that catches me every time I fall and picks me up and continues me on my journey.  May I strive with my eyes focused straight ahead.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12: 2,3

Link for a great keepsake giveaway.

I saw this on the "Bring down the rain" blog and wanted to pass it on.  I love it and may just have to get one if I don't win the giveaway.  Check it out!

Marked by Love necklace

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

God is good.

Things continue to look up for me.  I feel better than I have in a long time.  I know there will be hard days still, but am glad that it seems like the majority of my days are not hard.  

Being a deep feeler, I think that I have more to post when I am struggling through things.  Also, I find that I cling to God more when I am in desperate need.  I want to know the discipline of walking with him moment by moment in the normalcy of life.  I also want to be able to share that normalcy in a creative way that can communicate God's grace and mercy to me.  So that is my prayer now, that as a new joy enters in, I will remember the source of the joy and the giver of every good and perfect gift.  And that my eyes would be open to His greatness in my normal days.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17, NIV)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Monday, a GOOD day?

Today I learned that Monday and good day are not opposites of each other!  I really have nothing big to post hear, nothing to vent about, no sadness to voice.  GREAT!

I had a typical, normal day of painting shirts, straightening house, going to the grocery store, playing with Andrew, and visiting with friends.  Thanks to my friends who gave me something fun to look forward to all day!

I look forward to and am hopeful for another good day tomorrow.

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
       forever." Psalm 23:6

Christians and Grief

From "Sacred Sorrow"

Author Albert Y. Hsu gives us this perspective on death and grief:
    "Christians sometimes think that we are not supposed to grieve, because our faith an theology provide us with confidence about heaven and eternal life.  But while 1 Thessalonians 4:13 says that we are not to grieve as those who have no hope, we grieve nevertheless.  Those without hope grieve in one way; those with hope grieve in another.  Either way, grief is universal and not to be avoided. It is a legitimate response to loss."

The Fall that ushered lament into the world is a dark cloud, a cloud of unknowing. When death and disease come we are enveloped for a time in the cloud. As it blows over us, we fear it might cut us off from the healing, resurrecting Presence.  For one confused moment we misunderstand, thinking its very existence is the ultimate contradiction to hesed (God's ultimate loving-kindness).  For one brief instant we cannot see the face of our Father.  Through lament we push into and through (not around) the cloud.  Only then do we completely reach the other side, the place where we find Jesus waiting for us.

Friday, March 12, 2010

broken pot

fragile clay pot crashes to the floor
the contents within cannot be ignored
colors of blue, purple and shades of gray
mixed with bright hues of yellow, orange and red

all of me from the depths laid out bare
witnesses can chose to flee or to care
pangs of sorrow, anger, fear and shame
mingled with joy, hope, love and faith

only One can understand my innermost heart
the Maker and Healer, He knew from the start
this feeble frame He created from dust
carrying the treasure that He did entrust

Lord, pick up the pieces of this frail jar
hold me together and fill me once more
with the joy of your presence, love and mercy
that You will receive all the praise and glory

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.  We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair;  persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh." 2 Corinthians 4:7-11

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Just dreaming and hoping

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.” John 14:1-7

Tonight I've been dreaming and thinking about Ashlynn and Home.

I remember when I was a young child I would wait eagerly for my mom to come get me after work.  At my grandma's house, I'd stand on my tip toes on her couch watching out the window when time drew near for her arrival.  Grandma would always say, "A watched pot never boils!"  I would then try to distract myself playing with toys.  The distraction never lasted long and I always found myself back at the window watching and waiting.

I know that God's glory and love consumes my baby, Ashlynn, but I can't help but wonder, "When it's time will she be peeking out of the window of the mansion of glory looking for me to come Home?  When she sees me in the distance, will she come running as fast as she can behind Jesus to greet me at Heaven's Gate? Maybe she's painting me a picture as she waits."

Thank you, Jesus, for going before us and for preparing us a room in your house.  Thank you for making a way for us to get Home by giving your life for us.  I long for the day to see you face to face and be Home at last.  Help me to be faithful here as I wait for you to come and bring me Home. 

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Great Song

I believe there is a special healing power in music.  Often I hear a song that fills my heart with a deep understanding, a deep joy.  I just heard "The Valley Song" by Jars of clay.  WOW.  I found a link on you tube, but I really don't like the graphics, I think it takes away from the song.  If you know of a link for just the song, please let me know.

Here are the lyrics:
The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
on a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy

when death, like a gypsy
comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
but I fear You aren't listening
because there are no words
just the stillness
and the hunger
for a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy

alleluia, alleluia
alleluia, alleluia

while we wait for rescue
with our eyes tightly shut
face to the ground using our hands
to cover the fatal cut
though the pain is an ocean
tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy
I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy
alleluia, alleluia
alleluia, alleluia

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Dear Ashlynn

Dear Ashlynn,

I carried you for such a short time.  I wanted you for so much longer before that.  My love for you is so great.   When I found out that I was pregnant, my heart was overjoyed.  I couldn't help but tell everyone that you were coming and that Andrew was a big brother.  I actually talked about it to him most.  I wanted him to be ready and to be excited for your arrival.  I would tell him that he was the big brother now and that Mommy's heart was so big that it would be full of love for you and him both, and in fact it is.  I would tell him that there was a baby in Mommy's tummy and he would give you a kiss.  He would pat on my belly and say, "Baby."  I miss that.

During your time here I would read every week to see how big you were getting and how you were developing each day. Then Daddy and I would talk in amazement at how God was developing you within me.  I would rub my tummy as I dreamed of you. Your life within me was a gift and testimony of God's grace.  I also craved Mexican food, so your Daddy, Andrew, and I had it quite frequently. 

Though I don't know why, I know that you are Home with our Abba.  I am glad for you that you will never shed a tear or know the pain that we experience here.  However, I miss you and wish that I could walk through life with you.  I can't wait to see you and I know that from your perspective that is very soon.  With God a day is like a thousand years. 

Your Daddy and me chose to name you Ashlynn Haven, because Ashlynn means "dream" or "vision" and Haven means "safe place" or "sanctuary".  I will often think about what life would be like if you were here with us.  Even more I will dream of the time when I will be Home with you for eternity with our Abba Father.

I love you,

Monday, March 8, 2010


I just cried for the first time in almost two weeks. Ashlynn would have been at 18 weeks gestation this week. We would be finding out her sex soon and I'd be drooling over cute baby clothes once more.

Today is Monday. The hardest day of the week for me. Thankfully, I am about to go to bed and tomorrow is Tuesday. Today has been lonely and sad.

In "Sacred Sorrow" today it stood out to me that God was in lament for His people who had rejected Him. He was lonely and afflicted by His own creation. He chose David to be anointed as a king. David was a man of many struggles and wrote most of the laments in the Bible. When he lamented to God a special bond was formed between the two of them. In David's darkest times God was there and had empathy for what David was going through because He had been there Himself.

A close to home article

Today has been tough. I really don't have much to write, but I've been reading a lot online and some in my book Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card.

I found this article online that explains a little bit of what it is like for a pregnant mom who goes to the doctor expecting to hear her baby's heartbeat for the first time. Check it out if you have a moment.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Time Stands Still

I'm not really a poet, so I claim no real structure to this...

when time stands still
the days have no end
darkness seems my only friend

weeks last forever
as each second ticks
slowly like a constant drip

step follows step
at a tortoise pace
hoping for the end of the race

when light will break forth
on this dim dark heart
and from His presence I'll never part

Friday, March 5, 2010

Who's at fault?

My days seem to have themes lately.  The theme of the day is guilt.

Today I was in a fender bender.  Well, it was for me, for the other guy it was a wreck.  I pulled out from the median into my lane just in time to collide into a car that was crossing the street.  I have bad luck with accidents. Several years ago I totalled two cars in the span of six months.  Both were legally my fault, though both were unavoidable.  At the time I wanted to move to an undeveloped country where I would never drive again.  This being my first accident since then, I panicked, "What if this is my fault?"  Very upset, the young man tried to open his door, but couldn't because of the damage.  When he finally got out, he shouted at me and blamed me for destroying his "ride".  He asked if I had called the cops. When I responded that I had not.  We talked about whether we should or not.  My front bumper had paint damage.  His driver side had two smashed in doors.  Thinking it was my fault, I agreed not to call the cops.  Turns out he actually was at fault.

As some things resolve in my heart, others surface.  This morning I woke up with overwhelming insecurity, guilt, and shame.  "What if this is my fault?" surfaced from the pit of my heart.  "Could I have prevented my baby's death?  Am I to blame?  What if the doctor made a mistake and I should have asked to check one more time?"  A friend reassured me that I was "so wrong".  This is not something that the doctors could have mistaken.  This is not my fault.  (Feel free to do the same).  

When things happen, we want to know why and we want to know who is to blame.   A similar situation takes place in John 9:

1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 3"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. 4As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." 6Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes. 7"Go," he told him, "wash in the Pool of Siloam" (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing. 

The disciples wanted to know who was at fault. Their perspective was limited.  I want to know who is to blame.  My perspective has also been limited by my emotions and pain.  Jesus replied that it was no one's fault, but that God had a bigger plan.  God wanted to display His work in the blind man's life. There is One who is greater than all they had ever known or seen.  He calls them to a new level of living, to a commitment to live to do the work of God who sent Him.  Then He healed the blind man with spit and dirt and sent him to clean up in a pool called "SENT".  The man did as Christ said, was healed, and went home sent by Jesus to display God's glory.

God will display His work in this loss, in my life.  He has a bigger purpose in mind than me making earthly sense of all this.   The same One who worked to make the blind man see works to display His glory in me.  I do not know how, but I trust that He is working even now.  I hurt, I get angry, I question, and I lay it all down at His feet and ask for Him to get the glory in this.  If my baby had to die and if I have to hurt, I don't want it to be for nothing.  I pray that I could be His light through this struggle and that He works to show His glory through me and even in spite of me.  As He heals me, I want to be sent to share it with others.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

anxiety and insecurity

Today has been tough.  I don't feel the sadness as much as I feel an overwhelming insecurity and anxiety.  Not sure what else to do about it at the moment.  I'm praying, I've talked to friends, and I read God's Word.  Now it's just time to wait I guess.

6 Surely he will never be shaken;
       a righteous man will be remembered forever.
 7 He will have no fear of bad news;
       his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
 8 His heart is secure, he will have no fear;
       in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.
Psalm 112: 6-8

Lord, Make this true of me.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


"1 For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
2 He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken." Psalm 62: 1-2

Patience has never been a strength of mine. In fact it may be one of the things I am most defecient in. During this part of my life I have no choice but to wait. I am learning how to be at peace while I wait.

I am waiting for many things. Some are small and I anticipate their coming very soon. For instance, I just gave blood to test my hormone levels. Now I wait for the results to find out if my HCG levels have dropped to normal. I also asked for copies of my ultrasound, and now I am waiting for the nurse to call me after asking the doctor about giving them to me. Both of these answers should come within 24 hours.

There are also medium things. I wait for the chance to conceive again, which will take a little more time than I'd like. I wait for answers and something good to come from this hard season.

All of these little things point to the bigger things that I will wait for my entire earthly life. I wait for Christ to come in His fulness, to redeem all that which has been lost. I wait to look Him in His eyes and rest in His embrace. I wait for the days when there will be no more pain, no more sorrow. I wait to be Home with my child and with our Father.

Thank you, God for beginning to cultivate in me the art of patience and waiting on you in the little things and in the big things of my life. Thank you for the hope you have given that helps anchor my unsteady heart.


Monday, March 1, 2010

A sense of hope

Sometimes sleep is hard to come by no matter how tired you are.  Tonight has started off as one of those nights.  SO I decided to get up and blog a bit.

In the midst of the pain, I have begun to feel a deeper hope.   I can sense that God is at work.  For a while, my mind did not line up with my heart.  I knew that God was there, but my heart felt abandoned.  I knew He had a good plan and purpose for all of this, but my heart felt cheated and dealt a wrong hand.  I'm sure I could go on in many ways that my heart screamed out over my reasoning.  And it still does at points, but it is starting to sense God's grace and mercy as it comes back in line with all that I know about God through His Word.  God's Word has come alive for me and is at work in my heart. I'm at the beginning of this and have many thoughts that I can't quite explain yet, so I'll get to that in another post.

To shift gears, I recently read and heard in counseling that previous grief can compound on a recent loss.  I kind of blew it off at first.  But after thinking about it I realized that I have actually had three losses in three years, my grandmother, my father, and my baby.  I actually dream about my grandmother often (last night in fact) so I know that some of what I am going through is from those losses.  They have all three been very different and I think that this one has been the "safest" to grieve.  I think I'll have to get into what I mean by safe in another post, because this could easily become a small novel.  If it does strike you, just ask.

I just began reading a book on lament.  Here is one thing that stood out today: "We were ushered into a world in which the first sounds we heard were inevitably weeping--weeping for pain and weeping for joy, because the two are often linked more closely than we can imagine."  Michael Card, A Sacred Sorrow
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