Contolled burn

A part of me hesitates to write this, because you never know what is around the corner.  However, believing that I have come out of the most intense part of the cloud of grief, I wanted to try to explain what it is like.

 Good news, I am the same person that I was before Jan 25.  Better news, I am changed.  I'm more aware. I'm more vulnerable. I'm more dependent on God.

I see the dark part of my heart that Ashlynn left behind as fertile soil, a place ready to be cultivated into a productive garden by the Lord.  I almost see it as a "prescribed or controlled burn".  Prescribed burning is the deliberate use of fire under specified and controlled conditions to achieve a resource management goal in forestry or farming.  It not only controls and rids invasive species, but preserves the wanted plants as well as making the soil more fertile.  In it's immediate wake, the burn leaves an unattractive black ash on the ground and trees.  However, seed in the ground can spring forth strong in the newly fertilized soil.

I think the analogy fits in so many ways. God is in control as the farmer.  He has used and continues to use this tragedy to bring about His glory in me.  He will never let the "fires" in my life get out of control, but will use them to refine me into the image of His Son (Romans 8:28).  He will cultivate in my heart His gifts of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control) and will work to get rid of all of the things that are opposed to them.  If I abide in Him, He will prune my branches to grow as he sees best (John 15).  Right now there is ash and sut over my heart, but my prayer is that what He has begun in me through this loss will be a big crop, fruitful and glorifying to Him.

My main concern now that I have started living in a more regular routine is that I will get caught up in the business of everyday life and will slip back into the same person I used to be.  During tough times, I cling to God tightly.  When things start going well, I loosen my grip and can forget what He has done and who He is.  I don't really forget, but I live like I do.  So I really want to continue the growth that He has began.  I know that God is faithful and will continue to work, but I also know how forgetful I can be.  I'm praying for a more disciplined walk with Him as I trust for Him to continue the work begun in me.

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6,7

"Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You my Master
Ready to do Your will"

Progress

We all know the saying, "No Pain, No Gain."  I have always known this to relate to sports and training, but turns out it relates to other areas of life as well.  Everything that I have read or heard in dealing with grief has encouraged me to feel freely what I feel.  Let the hurt come and be resolved.  Just as muscles are sore with intense physical training, the heart is sore with emotional and spiritual  work through grief.  Just as an athlete becomes stronger through and past the pain.  Faith and the heart will be stronger through and past the pain.

I am reading, "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah L. Davis.  It has helped a lot.  It really doesn't make me feel any better (to bad, huh), but it does give me situations and people to identify with.  Also, when I am feeling a certain way, whether it be sad, angry, despair, crazy, I know that it is normal and I try to let the emotion run it's course.

I think one of the biggest things I am learning from the book and from those I've talked with who have experienced miscarriage is that the sadness never goes away.  In all that I've ever gone through, I have always run from the pain and just wanted to feel better.  I am starting to understand to let the pain be what it is. But, I've heard the pain does get smaller, like a small sliver here and there, just as intense, but less frequent.

In addition, I am learning that while grieving it is also okay to be happy.  I don't want to get so down in the dumps that when the happy times come, I deny them.  It is important to experience the lighter times and they are a great relief from the pain when they come.

I'm thankful for the book and other resources, but mostly I'm thankful for my friends. For the ones who have been where I am and have shared the hope they know. And for the ones who have not been in this specific spot, but know pain and share love to support me during this time.

Thanks to those of you who follow all of this.  The burden feels lighter as many of you encourage me through it all. I know that it is tough stuff recently.  In spite of all that I am posting and feeling, I do know there is progress.  It is very encouraging to know that this is all going somewhere.

 I hope that these posts and art can be used in some way to encourage others who are experiencing or have experienced similar suffering.

^"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:8 

^"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 Cor 9:24