Friday, March 5, 2010

Who's at fault?

My days seem to have themes lately.  The theme of the day is guilt.

Today I was in a fender bender.  Well, it was for me, for the other guy it was a wreck.  I pulled out from the median into my lane just in time to collide into a car that was crossing the street.  I have bad luck with accidents. Several years ago I totalled two cars in the span of six months.  Both were legally my fault, though both were unavoidable.  At the time I wanted to move to an undeveloped country where I would never drive again.  This being my first accident since then, I panicked, "What if this is my fault?"  Very upset, the young man tried to open his door, but couldn't because of the damage.  When he finally got out, he shouted at me and blamed me for destroying his "ride".  He asked if I had called the cops. When I responded that I had not.  We talked about whether we should or not.  My front bumper had paint damage.  His driver side had two smashed in doors.  Thinking it was my fault, I agreed not to call the cops.  Turns out he actually was at fault.

As some things resolve in my heart, others surface.  This morning I woke up with overwhelming insecurity, guilt, and shame.  "What if this is my fault?" surfaced from the pit of my heart.  "Could I have prevented my baby's death?  Am I to blame?  What if the doctor made a mistake and I should have asked to check one more time?"  A friend reassured me that I was "so wrong".  This is not something that the doctors could have mistaken.  This is not my fault.  (Feel free to do the same).  

When things happen, we want to know why and we want to know who is to blame.   A similar situation takes place in John 9:

1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 3"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. 4As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." 6Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes. 7"Go," he told him, "wash in the Pool of Siloam" (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing. 

The disciples wanted to know who was at fault. Their perspective was limited.  I want to know who is to blame.  My perspective has also been limited by my emotions and pain.  Jesus replied that it was no one's fault, but that God had a bigger plan.  God wanted to display His work in the blind man's life. There is One who is greater than all they had ever known or seen.  He calls them to a new level of living, to a commitment to live to do the work of God who sent Him.  Then He healed the blind man with spit and dirt and sent him to clean up in a pool called "SENT".  The man did as Christ said, was healed, and went home sent by Jesus to display God's glory.

God will display His work in this loss, in my life.  He has a bigger purpose in mind than me making earthly sense of all this.   The same One who worked to make the blind man see works to display His glory in me.  I do not know how, but I trust that He is working even now.  I hurt, I get angry, I question, and I lay it all down at His feet and ask for Him to get the glory in this.  If my baby had to die and if I have to hurt, I don't want it to be for nothing.  I pray that I could be His light through this struggle and that He works to show His glory through me and even in spite of me.  As He heals me, I want to be sent to share it with others.


LeAnne said...

"I pray that I could be His light through this struggle and that He works to show His glory through me and even in spite of me."

I will be praying that for you, and you can pray it for me, too. Thank you so much for reaching out to me lately - even within your own struggles.

Lisa T said...

LeAnne, thanks for the blessing of friendship, partnership in the Gospel, and prayer. Praying!

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