Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Walking a tightrope

Yesterday a dear friend took my toddler son so that I could have some "me".  For a long time I have wanted to get my hair chopped so this was the day.  I love the haircut!  

Because the stylist wanted to get it perfect, it took about an hour.  No complaints really, but have you ever starred at yourself in the mirror for an hour?  Have you ever done it after one of the hardest trials in your life began?  I didn't feel sad, after all, it was a "me" day to relax.  However, in the eyes of the face starring back at me I saw an inescapable sadness and brokenness.  And I confess, I just wanted to make her better.

So I stayed in the "me" mindset.  I am not a good middle of the road person.  This can be a fault; so much of the time I operate out of "all or nothing thinking".  In this instance it means I thought I either really hurt or really don't hurt.  No middle ground.  I want definite. But that's not really the way it is.  When I totally shut the pain off, I really shut the deeper part of me off.  At the same time, I am not to wallow in the pain and not live for the joy that God has given me.  I have been blessed abundantly.  Living between the two takes a delicate balance.  I feel like a tightrope walker, if I sway to either side to far I'll fall.  I'm pretty much guaranteed that I will fall on a daily basis.  I thank God for the net, His grace shown to me in Jesus, that catches me every time I fall and picks me up and continues me on my journey.  May I strive with my eyes focused straight ahead.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12: 2,3

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