Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Moving forward.

Get over it and move on?  Is there really such a thing?  I have had this thought for a long time as I have tried to deal with tough realities of my past.  The question replays itself in my mind now.

I think all around us we are told to move on, to be "happy".  If something has pained you, brush it off, pick yourself up, and carry on.  Even if it is not said, it can be felt in various ways that we may present ourselves.  I think it's really a cultural thing to act like everything is okay and to show your happy, all-together side whenever you are in public.  But beneath everyone's all-together facade, I know there has to be brokenness, pain, and struggle of all sorts and in varying degrees.  This is something I have thought a lot about over the past year.  How can we really get to know one another if we only show one side of the coin?  And what about the people that are truly dying inside and feel so out of place, because we aren't being vulnerable showing who we really are? I have to question if they feel welcome, or if they feel even more isolated and lonely because we appear to have it all together.  How can we create a safe place and safe relationships for others to come and receive the healing that we experience in Christ?  Is it not by being vulnerable and showing where He has healed and continues to heal us?

Rather than "Get over it and move on," I would like to  "Move forward and get through it," and repeat as necessary.  Sometimes it means minute by minute, hour by hour, I am just going to put one foot in front of another to get through this day.  Some days are just that long, that they have to be taken in small segments.  Others are over in the blink of an eye.  Also, if we truly go through our trials and don't try to escape them by just pushing them aside, God will work mightily to meet us where we are and deepen our trust and dependency on Him.  

The thought of  "moving on" really doesn't appeal to me.  It implies forgetting and leaving something behind.  I don't want to forget my past.  God was there and has used it to make me who I am today. In addition, I don't want to forget the loss of my baby.  I don't want to "move on" from Ashlynn.  I will move forward though.  Forward is progress.  Moving forward is not forgetting, but hoping and trusting.  Trusting that God has been present all along working His good in all of the things he allows to come my way.

Today was an okay Monday.  A little bit of sadness here and there, but not dominant on the entire day.  I did think about Ashlynn a lot.  I miss being pregnant and waiting excitedly for my baby's arrival.  I long to hold my baby.  I am growing stronger, and am thankful, but I am missing a part of me today.


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