Wednesday, March 31, 2010


This post in is response to the Butterfly Mommies question:

"What forms of support helped you the most during your time of loss and even now? How would you recommend other people support grieving mothers? (As we know, many times people who love us often don't know what to say or how to act)"

I had a lot of support that really helped.  During the week following my D&C I received many emails of encouragement and meals were prepared by my small group.  I was literally carried through that week as my mom also came and took care of my toddler.  I'd say that the support that has helped MOST has been the ongoing unexpected cards, emails, messages, and phone calls that I have received and friends to spend time with giving me something to look forward to during the most difficult times.  It has been good to know that people love me and care even and especially in this tough time.

How would I recommend others support grieving mothers?  Be there and reach out.  It's not easy for us to ask for help when we are hurting most because we don't want to burden others.  Remember important dates like the date that she found out and her expected due date and the birth date if the baby was delivered.  In the beginning, call or email weekly on the day of the week that the miscarriage happened or she found out about it and on the one month mark.  Be sensitive and aware.  Mostly be there. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing. If you don't know what to say just say that you are sorry that it happened, and you love her.  None of my friends have made me uncomfortable by saying something strange.  It would take someone really trying to hurt me to make things worse than they have been.  It has been better to have people around than to have them distant, because they fear making things worse.  Really, could things get any worse?

I wanted to add this after reading some of the other mom's experiences.  Sometimes words can hurt unintentionally.  Some of the things that hurt most are making us feel rushed to move on with life, suggesting we just have another, telling us to be grateful for the ones we may already have, and talking about other babies or pregnancies, giving us a quick Bible verse and telling us that God is in control.  Also ignoring talking about our baby can be hurtful.  Though you may have never met our baby, our baby was and is our child and we need to know that others realize this.

Once I lost my baby, I realized that I have probably not been a great friend to others who lost their babies in my past.  I feel bad that I couldn't be there now that I know what it is like.  I also feel grace towards my friends who have never been in my shoes.  God has given me contentment in the areas where I am in this alone.  More than that, He has given me an awareness of His presence.

Thanks to everyone who has been there for me!

See what other mommas say HERE!!!  Scroll down to the links at the bottom of the post.


My Life as a Mom said...

I know your story and experiences are going to help many! Keep sharing!

Kristie said...

Its so important to have both perspectives. I like how you said you have grace with those that don't understand what to say, because that can be a tough position, and it takes alot to be so open to their not getting it. Thanks so much for sharing your post with us!

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