Monday, May 3, 2010

Effect of loss on relationships

Butterfly Mommies
Here is another question from the Butterfly Mommies Blog followed by my answer.

How have your relationships been affected by your loss?  (with God, your husband, yours and your husband's parents, your siblings, your living children, and/or friendships?)  If you could convey to others one thing about yourself that would help them understand what you both need to maintain your relationship what would that be?

This is a really hard question to answer.  I'll tread lightly.  Some of it is still so much in process that I really don't have an answer.

One of the biggest things that has changed for me relationally is how I relate to others.  I have new eyes where I was blind before.  I think back and wonder how good of a friend I have been to others experiencing grief and know that in many ways I fell short.  I understand pain now and have a deeper vocabulary of heart to grieve with others.

Because of this understanding, most of those who have not been completely there for me are still my friends.  I have been in their shoes and am able to forgive where they may fall short.

My relationship with God has been up and down.  My faith has been and continues to be shaken.  I know He will be victorious and am grateful that my relationship with Him is not based on me and my ability to carry it out, but on His. More later.

Husband.  This has given us something to go through together and something that he can't fix, so doesn't try.  For the first time I feel like we are truly walking together through the pain as it works itself out in our life.
He has been a great friend and a great help.

I have many close friends who live many miles away.  Many have been very supportive, but they can only do so much living at such a distant.  A couple of local friends have really become closer and walk with me through the ups and downs of life after loss.  These are the friends that I keep close and remain open to.  The others who haven't been as supportive, they are different kinds of friends right now, not cut off, but not held close to where I would pour my heart out to them.

Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother."  I don't need a lot of true friends and am thankful for a few.

In addition, I have a few new friends that I can write to online that have experienced the loss of a baby.  It is good to be able to identify with them and with others who are familiar with pain and suffering.

If I could convey one thing about me that I need to maintain relationships...
Let me be happy on my own time, let me be sad on my own time.  My biggest struggle with others and with the church is the pressure to have it all together and just be happy.  I want to be authentic and not fake and I want to be around others who are also authentic.  I really don't like when people pretend to have it all together or expect me to act like I do.  More often than not, I feel a pressure to wear a facade.  However, I know how to laugh from deep within and I know how to weep and I feel both are equally valuable emotions for a rich life.


My Life as a Mom said...

So glad there are supportive websites out there. It sound like they really make a difference. Thanks for sharing!

Kristie said...

I love what you said here, about being authentic! THat's EXACTLY how I feel. I want to be authentic, and I'm not okay with being rushed into some fake view of perfection. God sees our hearts and He doesn't need the facade so why put it on for people? I'm so glad you said this! so glad!

Marilyn said...

yup... just coming to terms w/ the facade of being together... it's interesting how quickly other's forget someone else's pain.

it's hard to be "out" about our trials and experience the complete pain at the same time!

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