Encouragement from a friend.

One of my dearest friends wrote this to me in response to the struggle I had on Easter (see here).  

"Those longings about your clothes point to something much bigger than your clothes.  And, it feels most appropriate that you mourn and feel this aching dissatisfaction as you celebrate on Resurrection Day.  There is a work Christ has yet to do.  He has yet to come back and resurrect those we love--to give Ashlynn a new body..."

I wanted to share because this gives me great hope, not only the reminder of Christ's work, but the reminder that even the way I felt  and the things I was ashamed to even mention point to the heart of Christ for me and for Ashlynn. It also makes me feel "normal" and validates the life of Ashlynn and the pain that resides in her absence.

I like these lyrics from "Come to Jesus" by Mindy Smith:

Oh, my baby, when you're cryin'
Never hide your face from me
I've conquered hell and driven out the demons
I have come with a life to set you free

Worry not my daughters,
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

More often than not, I feel bad for feeling bad.  But Jesus came and is coming again to make it all right.  May the darkest of nights drive me to His embrace as I rest in the freedom He gives and wait for His return.

More music

I love listening to music, especially when it brings so much comfort and speaks so loudly to me or gives voice to things that are hard to express.

Here is a song by Mindy Smith called, "Come to the Savior."

Worry not my daughters,
Worry not my sons
Child, when life doesn't seem worth living
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

Jill Phillips "I Am"

I just discovered this song and LOVE it!

Longings

 Here are some things I have struggled with today.  Sorry this is more of a venting post than those of late.

Easter morning started with me trying to find something cute and Spring like to wear.  It was rather depressing as I didn't find any cute clothes to wear that aren't maternity.  My closet and my dresser are full of maternity clothes and I have little other clothes that fit.  I feel so ashamed for caring so much about this on EASTER of all days.  A day that is supposed to be a joyful celebration of triumph over death, I am down because I cannot wear the maternity clothes that I really wish I was wearing right now.  It hurts so bad.

Andrew just turned two.  That is bitter sweet.  On the one hand I have an amazing little boy to love on the other, I really wanted children that were about two years apart in age.  I had a great day of celebration with great friends and I didn't think much about my feelings yesterday. Today they are back.  My little boy is not a baby anymore and where my womb carried new life, it is empty. Lord, I am so empty.

It is Easter and I am distracted by my longings.  How ironic is that?  The longings that Christ wants to answer, are somehow a barrier for me to come fully to him.  Lord, what is going on here?

I'm so alone. I feel so self absorbed for typing all of this out.  Lord, please bring your peace and comfort.

So here are my shameful ramblings.  My heart is broken, I am restless, and I feel guilty for not being joyful on this day that we celebrate that HE IS RISEN.

Easter

This Easter finds me a mixed bag in many ways.  I'm searching my heart for something hopeful and uplifting to write, but I am not there currently.  Today I read the resurrection as it is told in each of the Gospels.  There are many emotions that stood out to me in all of those who were present.  Some of them are confusion, grief, awe, fear, disbelief, amazement, and faith (if you can really call that an emotion).  Jesus promises to them during these days power (through the Holy Spirit), comfort, life, and Presence. He also calls them to carry on His work and bring His message to the end of the Earth.  

He took his broken, confused, grieving, believers and made them so much more with the promise of His Spirit.  My hope is that he sees past me (as I know he does) and my confusion, hurt, emptiness, brokenness and lack of faith.  That His Spirit would work in all of these areas to grow me and strengthen me in His ways.  He came to give life and in abundance.


"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." (NIV) 
Philippians 3:10-12