Longings

 Here are some things I have struggled with today.  Sorry this is more of a venting post than those of late.

Easter morning started with me trying to find something cute and Spring like to wear.  It was rather depressing as I didn't find any cute clothes to wear that aren't maternity.  My closet and my dresser are full of maternity clothes and I have little other clothes that fit.  I feel so ashamed for caring so much about this on EASTER of all days.  A day that is supposed to be a joyful celebration of triumph over death, I am down because I cannot wear the maternity clothes that I really wish I was wearing right now.  It hurts so bad.

Andrew just turned two.  That is bitter sweet.  On the one hand I have an amazing little boy to love on the other, I really wanted children that were about two years apart in age.  I had a great day of celebration with great friends and I didn't think much about my feelings yesterday. Today they are back.  My little boy is not a baby anymore and where my womb carried new life, it is empty. Lord, I am so empty.

It is Easter and I am distracted by my longings.  How ironic is that?  The longings that Christ wants to answer, are somehow a barrier for me to come fully to him.  Lord, what is going on here?

I'm so alone. I feel so self absorbed for typing all of this out.  Lord, please bring your peace and comfort.

So here are my shameful ramblings.  My heart is broken, I am restless, and I feel guilty for not being joyful on this day that we celebrate that HE IS RISEN.