Stuck

To my right stands a mountain of tiny baby clothes.  Directly in front of me, another mountain of slightly less tiny baby clothes. And to the left,  a few bigger baby clothes.  In the middle of the living room, a pack and play.  The dining room, a car seat, an exersaucer, a bumbo, and a huge box of freshly cleaned bottles. I type resting on a boppy.

I sort and clean each item one by one, remembering stages of growth in my now two year old son.   Time has flown and I'm amazed at how quickly he went through each stage.  I anticipate and plan and look forward to our new baby boy growing through each stage.

He rolls in my tummy.  Kicking and jabbing, he must be practicing the M.C. Hammer.  I press back and delight to feel his movements against my own.  I'll see him in an ultrasound in two weeks.  I'll hold him in my arms a few weeks later.

My son Andrew, talks to Baby Brother and gives him hugs and kisses.  He observes all the baby stuff.  I wonder  at what level does he understand what's about to happen.  I praise him for his help, love on him with all I have, and tell him he will be a great big brother.

He clinches the charm I can't take off yet.  Tired and irritated, I tell him to stop touching.  "That's for Baby Ashlynn.  That's her letters," he says as he lets go.  I cry.  The grief that sneaks its head around the corner at the mention of the word "ultrasound" wells up and lets itself out.  I hug my little boy and tell him he will meet her when we get Home one day.

"Ultrasound" how exciting.  And so late in pregnancy, I've never seen one of my babies so far along.  Yet I heard the worst news of my life after an ultrasound and I have a terrible fear of bad news again.  My heart rejoices and aches as it tenses and releases within my being.

I'm stuck in a sadness, in a loneliness, and I hurt at what was and what might be.  I hope for so much more than what I fear.  I know my fears are skewed, are blown out of proportion.  I know One who is bigger.  I wait, I hope, and I trust in Him.

I just read this blog and was greatly blessed:
http://thegypsymama.com/2010/10/on-meeting-my-daughter/comment-page-1/#comment-7758