Saturday, June 4, 2011

And the walls come down.

As I sit to write this, I have no idea what direction it is going to take.  I just know that it is time to write something that's been on my mind and heart.  I think I've been waiting for clarity to be able to explain better, but that may not come for a long time. I know if I don't tell about this, in a way, I'm being untrue about who I am and feel my writing, sharing, photography, etc will be a little superficial.

So down come a few walls to give you a glimpse into who I really am.  It's risky to be vulnerable here, but I feel that this will be beneficial to my growth as I flesh things out in writing and also as you can join me in prayer.

From the time I was little I have lived one way even though inside I felt another.  For me this double life is almost instinct and as natural as a reflex.  I learned it early as a way to survive.  At home I feared for my life every night as a child, at school you would have never known what I went home to.  I learned how to smile through the fear and the pain and bury emotion deep inside as I lived what I perceived to be the "right" way to live.  This perceived "right" way to live has been carried into adulthood as now I still struggle to maintain a certain image about who I am.  If you know me you might be surprised by the pain that I hold.

About a month ago, I decided I needed to see my obstetrician, because emotionally things were getting out of control.  I have been down for a long time, but what sent me over the edge was an unrelenting rage that would come out at the littlest thing and with little warning.  I really felt I had no control, was the worst mother, and had no hope.  I thought I had Postpartum Depression, but my OB didn't think so.  She hinted that I might have another depression. She said that the anger I was having was due to hormonal imbalance.  She prescribed an antidepressant and changed my birth control.  I didn't really feel like she was taking me seriously, but was thankful to have the antidepressant.  I pursued counseling.

In about a week, I really started feeling better.  It was like I could see clearly and everything seemed so much more even.  I did not hurt so bad and could actually enjoy life in ways that I didn't even realize I hadn't been.  My rage also subsided.  In counseling we identified that I have felt depressed possibly my whole life.  But when the meds kicked in, she acted like the depression and anger were dealt with and moved on to talking about communication in marriage.  This is a big area for me to work on, but I also feel I'm not out of the woods with my emotional issues.

I believe that biologically, the medication is helping me.  But that is only one aspect of depression.  If I've operated out of depressive thinking all of my life, how now am I supposed to think?  This verse comes to my mind, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. " Philippians 4:8.
I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit and God's Word to show me how to live.  I also know that I don't know how to think this way and need help training my mind to do so.  It would be easy to slap a Bible verse on it and be done, but I think there is much more to it than that.

I ordered The Freedom from Depression Workbook (Minirth Meier New Life Clinic Series) to begin helping to retrain my mind how to think.  I was pretty sure I had depression until I started reading, now I am certain.  After reading only two chapters, I feel like I'm looking at a mirror as I read the examples and explanations.  I feel a strange relief as I can identify so clearly with this book.

Would you pray with me for God to get the glory in my heart?  It is a temptation to work hard on this to fit the image that I perceive is right, to live out of my perfectionism and distorted thinking even in searching for healing.  I must  remember who my Healer is and rest in His presence, trusting for Him to work in all of these means.

I pray as I lay my heart open before you, you are still pointed to our great Savior, who has come for bruised and broken sinners such as you and I.


Christina said...

Thanks for sharing this. You're not alone in this struggle, more people than you'd think are afraid to break down similar walls. So glad the book is helpful, i have another one of their books whenever you want to borrow it:)

MEBSwick said...

<3 love the honesty and transparency --- can totally identify with the rage, working on it myself!

Lisa notes... said...

Wow. Your words sound just like my friend's about a year ago. She finally went to see someone for depression, not really understanding that she had probably been depressed her whole life. But once she got on medication, she saw such a clear difference. I praise God for giving wisdom! And I pray with you that you'll continue giving him the glory for you feeling better too.

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