Thursday, February 18, 2010

My Ultrasound experience

I have one image of Baby Ashlynn Haven. The doctor couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler. "Sometimes, they are stubborn."  He sent the nurse to get the ultrasound machine.  At first I was excited, not only was I going to hear the heartbeat, I was going to SEE my baby.  How lucky.  He had trouble finding it and kept the screen turned from me.  I wanted so bad to get up and look at the screen.  He said, that it looked like I wasn't as far along as anticipated, and left to see if the bigger ultrasound machine was available.  I waited and anticipated seeing my baby for the first time, sorry that Adam was not there to share in the experience.

I went in to the room with the ultrasound tech.  At first she explained every detail of what she was doing.  There was my baby.  Little head, little feet, little hands, still and what looked to be sleeping. She measured it several times from rump to crown, she checked the size of my uterus, the size of my ovaries.  By now she didn't say much.  "There must be something wrong," I thought, "can we just see the baby again?"  She measured one last time.  Then she sent me back to the room to see the doctor.  "All of these images have been sent to Dr. H.  He will be able to go over all of this with you."  Okay, I left.

"WHAT?  all of this?  This doesn't sound good.  This can't be right.  This is ALL WRONG!"  I waited and waited and waited.  "Surely there is some explanation, something that will make it okay.  Surely IT WILL BE OKAY."

But it wasn't.  The doctor gave me the news as lightly as he could.  I was alone and couldn't believe what he was saying.  I couldn't take that news.  No heartbeat.  I never got to hear the heartbeat.  I did get to see my baby early, but it was the only time this side of Home.

At first I thought it was cruel that I had to see a baby I will not get to hold.  But now I am thankful. I'm thankful to have had even a small glimpse to remember of our baby.

1 comment:

My Life as a Mom said...

This must have been difficult to write, thank you for sharing it.

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